Pri

Winter’s icy chill is still warmer than my heart.

A numbing cold that drives fear into men

Alas, it’s too late for me to feel anything.

Misleading with your smile, arousing passion with your embrace,

You thought you had me fooled.

“This one is just temporary” you said, thrusting into my being.

You are used to having your way,

A sly, handsome Casanova,

Stealing kisses, but destroying dreams along your path.

Karma always comes full circle to those who ruthlessly punish the hopeful.

You say you see me, but you don’t.

You think you know me, but that’s wishful thinking.

You have no idea who you led to your bed that night.

No clue that a demon has attached itself to your psyche.

You see my darling, I always get what I want

And what I want is you.

I want your eyes to look at me, like I’m an oasis in your desert.

I want your lips to caress me, like I’m nourishment to your soul.

Your arms should hold me tight, as if you’re clinging to your dying breath.

You should desire me…your one and only reason for existing.

For now, I let you have your way, treating me like a toy on a shelf.

Dusting me off when it suits you, checking in rarely to make sure I’m still there…for you.

Little do you know that all it takes is a word,

A summoning from me to them and then to you

And then, I’ll pull your strings as you dance to my tune.

Forever a pawn in my dark, lonely universe.

It’s a good thing I don’t feel, otherwise, for you, I’d feel sorry,

But you swapped your chance for freedom, when you decided you were King.

You see, in Athena’s world, I rule alone.

I’m Queen of my own empire and I say who joins my army of fallen lovers.

So keep glancing my way darling,

Your eyes will be stuck soon.

The gates are slowly opening and the devils will lead the way.

Come hither to my beck and call.

Gaze at my Kingdom which will never be yours,

But feel free to make yourself at home.

In the mausoleum of my wretched mind, your marbled sarcophagus is ready.

I’ll keep you company in the fires of my hell.

Death, is only the beginning.

The “good” woman. Fact or fiction?

We have ALL heard men complaining that there are no “good” women left. Probably just as much as women are bemoaning the fact that “good” men don’t exist and if they do, they’re either married or gay. Hmmm…so…the “good” woman. Does she exist or is she just a myth? The word “good” is debatable and it all depends on what you’re looking for. Bas might want someone who cooks and cleans, sleeps with him whenever he wants and keeps her mouth shut. Keith may prefer a lady who works and pays some bills, but one who also takes care of the home and children, without complaining. Then there’s Patrick who fawns over his lady. He wants to be man of the house, pay bills and help with the housework. His darling is there to be treasured.

Each of these men could find what they’re looking for in the pool of women that exist. However, they’ll need to look long and hard. The age of technology and the popularity of social media has made it easy for anyone with an internet connection to display their ‘talents’ to the world. Unfortunately, that comprises these days of “who could skin up the best”, “wine down the lowest”, “be the better cuss bud” or “baddest gangsta chic”. Some post recordings of what their ideal man should be and they aren’t ashamed to say “he needs to be very rich and take care of me. Don’t expect me to cook because I have better things to do like go to the spa and go to movies with my friends. Oh! and he should drive a Benz and buy me one too.” Classy ain’t it? It’s no wonder that many men are scared to date or even marry nowadays.

I often wonder what these women’s parents filled their heads with while growing up. We know that many mothers try to live vicariously through their daughters, and so, turn them into mini versions of themselves or, what they wanted to become. Sorry to say, but if your mother is/was a gold digging, nagging creature, then chances are, you’re going to emulate that too. If she was meek and submissive and tolerated abuse of any kind, that’s ingrained in you and you’re likely to follow suit. It all starts from the home and I pity those who had no suitable role models to look up to. There are some mothers who point blank tell their daughters, “breed fuh him, den make him mind yuh”; or “make sure he gives you his salary at the end of the month eh, dat is yours!”. Uh huh……rightttt.

I have zero problem with a man taking care of his woman. In fact, it’s his duty to. My issue lies in what exactly are YOU, as a woman, bringing to the table in your relationship? Are you just taking and taking and draining homeboy? Or are you doing YOUR DUTY and helping him become a better version of himself? Are you building him or destroying him and by extension, souring any prospect of a happy life together? For those stay at home wives or girlfriends, when he comes home after a long day, is he greeted with a clean home and a home cooked meal or is the pile of dirty dishes staring him in his face, while you update your Facebook status? Do you ask him how his day was, or do you start nagging him about X,Y and Z and the fact that you need money to color your hair?

Many men are often taken advantage of because many women do not know how to act in a relationship, or even conduct themselves in public. Who vex loss. It’s the truth. You’re with your man at an event, and yet, chatting up another man or flirting with his best friend. You’re in a committed relationship, yet you choose to keep close to several other men “just in case”. Some women take pride in verbally lashing out at their men in public, with the intention of humiliating him and showing his friends and family, who the REAL BOSS is. Others have a good man, but use their children as leverage. You take the maintenance money for yourself or the ‘outside’ man, neglect the child/children and STILL refuse to let their father see them or spend time with them. You also take pride in bad mouthing your ex in front of the child. If you expect a happy relationship, you’ve got to work WITH him, not AGAINST him.

All in all, there are a bunch of wotless (worthless) women around nowadays. They will go out with a man tonight, another one on Thursday and hop into bed with a third on Friday, all while enjoying the free lunches, dinners and tokens of affection from all three. Let me make it ABUNDANTLY CLEAR that I do not condone violence against either gender. But, sometimes when I see X was murdered due to a “love triangle”, “jealous husband”, etc. I can do nothing but shake my head. Some victims knowingly provoked their men into fits of rage and loved doing it. Take it or leave it, it’s the truth! Don’t get me wrong. There are also many, mentally unstable men out there who do not know how to be in a relationship and who can trip off at any time. I’m not speaking about that bunch. I’m referring to the good guys who are pushed and pushed till they can’t take anymore and then, they just lose it! It can happen to ANYONE.

For those ladies out there, wishing for a sugar daddy/daddies with no intention of giving anything in return, I wish you the best of luck. A whoring lifestyle is where you’ll more than likely end up, (And they’ll call it being independent, mind you). For those looking for a good man, they are out there, you just have to keep your eyes open and when blessed with such a specimen, for God’s sake, TREAT HIM RIGHT! Don’t mess him up for future encounters. For those who have a good man, but you think he’s not putting in enough effort or giving you enough money, here’s a suggestion: GET A JOB! Unless you’re rich or you have a man who enjoys gifting you from time to time, you can’t expect nice things unless you work for them. Be real! You want the nice house, nice car, fancy vacations and latest brands, but you’re doing nothing but whining like a four year old to get them. You ladies, are entitled to nothing. Nada, Zip, Zero, Zilch, NOTHING. If a man is working hard to provide for you both, you’ll get those things in time, but you can’t be unreasonable. Some of you come with nothing, but your demands. Uhhh no, it can’t work like that.

There is also the batch of women who say they want someone, but at the same time, “no man cah tell me nuttn”, “I is de Boss”, “He eh ruling me, is what I say, goes!” Then honey, hear what: Stay by yourself! You obviously don’t understand that a relationship is about give and take; it’s about two, not just you. If you’re good at playing Boss, then open a business and order other people around.

So, back to the question: do “good” women exist? Let me put it this way. There are several women out there who are genuine in their affections and looking for something long term. They won’t embarrass you in public. They will actually send you sweet messages to check in, or let you know they’re thinking of you. These women are happy to cook for you, cover you with kisses and put in the effort to keep themselves looking great for you. These are the ladies who will take an interest in your hobbies, your health and appearance and overall, well being. Women whose tone does not come across as harsh and quarrelsome , but kind and gentle. This lovely batch will go out of their way to ensure that you SAVE MONEY! Yes, it’s true! They will also hold down the fort to ensure that you complete your studies/projects in peace, while creating a better future for you both.

Remember though gentlemen, that nabbing such a valued creature does not come for free. These ladies expect you to love them just as much; to display your affection in public as well as private. Don’t hide her or your relationship from the world. Be proud of her and what she stands for. Take an active interest in her life and her family as well. BE FAITHFUL. Brighten her day with her favourite treat or a lovely dinner. Compliment her and notice the little things. Respect her and let her be herself. The ideal woman DOES exist, but unless you know how to treat her, she’ll slip through your fingers, along with your shattered dreams.

Suicide

This is a topic that has touched every single one of you and will continue to touch lives around the world. As long as there is life, there will exist, death. Whether we have been crushed by the death of a friend, a relative, a celebrity or even thought about killing ourselves, death is inevitable. The Grim Reaper will come for us eventually, but how soon, no one knows for sure.

People kill themselves for a number of reasons: financial stress, broken hearts, loneliness, low self esteem, peer pressure, sickness, chronic depression, abuse, drugs and more. Not all sufferers seek help and it’s not because they’re stupid. Some simply don’t know how to reach out to others. Others fear being victimized and/or ridiculed for having a problem. Then we’ve got those who don’t want to burden anyone, so they keep their emotions bottled up. Human are strange beings. It’s the easiest thing to say “I’m here for you,” but are you really? When that person actually needs help do you make time to listen, or do you find an excuse not to because you have nothing to gain? Do we check in on our friends, family or co-workers just to see how they are? Many do not. You know how to find them when you need them, but when the tables are turned, you disappear.

In this age of technology, there are actual websites which explain, in great detail, how to kill yourself! Imagine that! They list the tools you need, how long it would take before you die and how much pain you should expect to feel. Yes…I kid you not. Many souls are already lost and take great pleasure in luring others into their darkness. Many religions strongly denounce suicide, describing it as the “absolute worst thing” anyone can do. It’s said that taking your own life damns you to hell with no possibility of redemption. Question: Do you think that people contemplating suicide are really all that concerned about their soul? Not much. They’re more likely wondering how to get out of the mess they’re in. For those with children, they may feel that they’re so messed up, that the children will be better off without them in the long run. Others feel so abandoned and disillusioned that they’re convinced that no one will miss them. Don’t forget the really angry suicide victims who killed themselves out of spite to hurt their family and friends. Vengeful spirits can never be at peace.

Whenever news of a suicide breaks, a plethora of varied reactions surface. “She was so selfish!” “He never cared about his family!” “Oh my God, how tragic,” “That poor girl, I wish I could have helped”, “Hmm, better he died, he only used to cause trouble,” “Why didn’t he speak to anyone?” “She was so stupid! She was so pretty and had a good man, she had no reason to do that!” “He didn’t know the Lord, the devil has him now”…and on and on. Even if you’ve personally known someone who killed him/herself, you still have NO idea what really went through that person’s mind in the last few moments leading up to his/her untimely departure. It’s sad to think how utterly alone suicide victims felt. Trust me, you could be living with ten people and constantly be physically surrounded by others and still feel alone. It’s a state of mind that sneakily invades your entire being. Don’t you think the lost ones considered their options? I’m sure many of them did and still saw no way out. To kill yourself is no easy task. The act itself takes much less effort, than the time they put into thinking about doing it in the first place. I often wonder how many of them, in their dying minutes/seconds, regretted their action. Would time have healed?

I have never judged people for committing suicide. I have never thought of them as selfish or worthless beings? Why? Because I’ve been there. Right on the brink of doing the unthinkable, so I know what it feels like. For me, I felt the world would be better off without a burden like me. Less worries for my family. Just let me get rid of my useless self, because clearly, I served no purpose here. I have thought about death since childhood. In my case, I’ve always felt followed by a dark presence that kept trying to pull me away from my illuminated path and extinguish my light. Some days were better than others, when the urge wasn’t that strong. I can’t tell you how many times I went searching for the “most painless ways to kill yourself” online. I’ve lost count of the times I got on my knees and asked God to give my talents and gifts to my sister and others who surely needed them more than I did.

To the world at large, I am lucky, highly blessed and favoured and life is a bed of roses. Hmmm…if only you knew how I struggled with my own demons. Did I have anyone to reach out to. Of course, lots! As a public figure, I know scores of people and many more know me. Was I comfortable expressing my pain to any of them though? Nope, sorry. I’ve never been one to share my pain with anyone. I’ve kept things bottled up because I, too, was scared of being judged. How could anyone who seems to have it all, be depressed? Right?

No matter how attractive, wealthy, popular and happy people seem, you just NEVER know what’s behind their smile. My mattress could easily turn into a waterbed given the years of tears on it. I’m human too and my hurt crawls in from a different place. The slightest things bothered me. The simplest criticism would throw me into a pitiful slump for weeks. It’s tiring living with so many voices in your head tugging you in various directions, most of them, down the wrong path. So after all of that, why am I still around? It might sound cliche but I took my problems to the Lord in prayer. Simple.

If it’s one thing I will be eternally grateful to my parents for, is teaching me how to pray. It is the sole reason I have survived and I’m still going strong. It hasn’t been easy but my faith has saved me numerous times. I’ve read the Bible, I’ve said Psalms and found meaning in them. I’ve even been in the middle of crying during my prayers, when lyrics from a Hymn would pop into my head and suddenly, I just knew things would be ok. Some people think their problems are just too big for prayer to handle. Wrong! There is nothing that God can’t save you from. I’m not a religious fanatic. I’m no Bible thumper, but I consider myself spiritual. I believe in guardian angels, I believe that each of us is surrounded by different spirits everyday, everywhere, all the time. We are never alone. I find myself driving and talking to God, in the shower, walking along the pavement, even now as I’m typing, I feel guided by a higher being. I do have a purpose and no one is going to get in the way. Trust me, I have changed and grown so much as a person that even if I died now, I’d return to complete what I set out to do. Have faith in something bigger than you.

After all these years of emotional turmoil, I am finally in a good place. No, a GREAT place. Physically, spiritually and emotionally. I never knew what strength I had until I was forced to find and use it. Many of you don’t know the power you harbour within. Untapped strength just waiting to burst forth and change your mindset and life. My talents are many and one of the most profound is that of the written word. I gift you with these stories to find meaning, truth and inspiration within yourselves.

It matters not what people think about you. What do you think of yourself? What kind of a person are you and where are you headed? You may not think you have a purpose, but your mere existence has proved you wrong. Is there ever a good reason to kill yourself? No. But as I said before, those experiencing the throes of depression don’t realize that. A person’s education level has nothing to do with the decision to die. It’s a desperate attempt to end pain. Should you find yourself in such a situation, there are two things to do: 1)Seek the Lord and/or 2)distract yourself. Depending on your own situation, one may be easier than the other, but there are so many success stories where people rose from nothing to achieve everything they ever dreamed of. Why can’t you? The only thing stopping you is not your spouse, not your children, not your age…It’s You! You have the power to change your situation. You are not weak or helpless so take a stand.

The next time you hear of, or are affected by a suicide, don’t judge. For friends and family, you’ll obviously be pained by thoughts of “what if”, “what could I have done?” Some believe that suicide is simply part of people’s destiny and because I’m not God, I can’t confirm or deny. I don’t believe they are lost forever though. Up to now, I still pray for the souls of the dead, those I knew and those I didn’t. I say a special prayer for those just minutes away from, or, in the process of killing themselves. For those lost in limbo, unable to get out, I pray they will be rescued. The dead can’t pray for themselves and that’s why you should use every opportunity on this earth to pray for yourself and others, to do good and spread joy where possible. Prayer changes everything and miracles happen every single day. Develop a relationship with God and channel your beautiful light in the right direction. I have found mine and tonight, I’ll light one for you too 😉

Misguided

Beware of how you treat me,
Today may be my last day.
Your unhappy, little secret
May soon be going away.

She’s done everything she can to please you
Shows you her love and so much more.
But your list of concerns have no space for her,
And it hurts her to the core.

She knows that you do not love her.
Everything else in your life comes first.
But she happily accepts the scraps of your affection,
To fulfil an undying, emotional thirst.

One day soon she’ll be gone and you’ll move on.
At least, that’s what you believe.
But you’re just a pawn in her one man game,
Destined to find from her, no reprieve.

For you still don’t realize I’m encrypted in your heart,
And will forever have your body and mind.
Your thoughts are mine, your kisses just for me.
And you thought the power was thine…

It’s time you stopped fighting my love,
And accept that your destiny is with me.
I will never release you to another.
With this dark goddess, you will never be free.

Maybe I’m being selfish you say,
And should just give you back your free will?
But you too have toyed with my emotions.
Such acts gave you a powerful thrill.

Now you’re mine and there’s no escape.
I will love you till the end of time.
A pact in blood carved into the realms of infinite fire.
Your end is just our beginning.

(c) 2017, Donna Philip, All rights reserved.

Wolves in Sheep’s Clothing

I once asked my Dad, “If you could have one super power, what would it be?” To my surprise, he replied “I’d want to be able to read people’s minds”. “But Daddy” I said, quite flustered, “Wouldn’t you want to fly? Wouldn’t you like to shoot lightning bolts from your fingers and zap people?!” Mind you, I was about 7 or 8 years old and thought that his idea of a super power was, well, Boring!

Fast forward 26 years later and here I am wishing that I could read people’s minds too! Life is funny isn’t it? It might not be a flashy offering of oneself, but boy or boy, the amount of pain and suffering I could have saved myself if I had known what people’s true thoughts were upfront. From professional and platonic to romantic and intimate. No one is perfect, but by God, there are some vipers out there just waiting to chew you up and spit out your soul to the devil!

In the professional world, I’ve met older persons who I thought had my best interests at heart. These were supposed to be mentors, persons I looked up to and hoped to emulate one day. Sadly, all they saw was another pretty face who they believed they could take advantage of and believe me, they tried. I count my lucky stars up to today, that my parents raised me with morals and the good sense to know my worth.

I lost my father at 16 and for some reason, many people see a young girl without a dad as vulnerable, naive and easy prey. Fortunately, I stood my ground. It wasn’t easy being pressured, insulted and made to feel as if I was disposable. I can remember all the times I heard “There are many other young ladies out there who would DO ANYTHING to have your job”. By ‘ANYTHING’ just think of the despicable acts that would be demanded of them for just a few dollars and shabby treatment. Thank God I never gave in. Bigger and better things were in store for me and I conquered in so many ways.

My Aries nature has bestowed upon me a certain fire and the propensity to hate fiercely when really pushed to the brink. Mind you, I don’t hold grudges. Once I categorize where you stand in my life, or out of it, I act decisively. Time has helped. Now, if I decide to cut you off, you are DEAD to me. There’s no going back, there will be no forgiveness, you just simply cease to exist. I’m sure many of you have had similar experiences. They happen ALL the time. So many public figures here in T&T and around the world pretend to be these decent, upstanding individuals when in reality, they are the lowest class of scum! You don’t have to look too far for them. Some fathers, uncles and elders also think nothing of abusing those care they have been entrusted. Disgusting creatures. Karma always gets to them.

I’ve also encountered many fakers who called themselves ‘friends’. They are people who sought to associate with me to find out my business, so that they could twist the truth and run with it to every corner and eager ear. Others figured that because of my standing,  they could benefit somehow from knowing me so “we’ll keep close to her, even though we don’t really like her. She might be able to help us”. The User Bunch. You know the type. Smiling in your face and laughing at you behind your back. Pretending to care while they pick apart and criticize your life. Those experiences have also taught me a lot so today, I keep my circle extremely small. Unlike many people, I don’t go out to lunches or dinners or meet up with guys. If I do, it’s because you’re MY guy and we’re in a relationship. That’s just how I personally choose to live my life. I want no one crossing the line or creating problems for my personal relationships which I take VERY seriously. If you do see me out with friends, it’s one group ALL the time—-people whose intentions I don’t question whatsoever.

As for romantic relationships. Ha! What a joke. I could write a book on this topic! Man is a funny species, just like women I suppose. You can be the sweetest, kindest, most loving and giving woman to him and he’ll still prove what an a$$hole he can be, not because he’s not happy, but because he can. Many men seem to think their options are limitless. They can keep having fun and lying to women forever and still be a ‘Dan’. No morons, you’re idiots and trust me, you will get exactly what you deserve.

There are men who think their time is running out to reproduce and so, in desperation, they must land someone to have a child with. To that bunch, who would cruelly lure in the innocent and color their dreams with hope, only to shatter them mercilessly, you deserve to end up rotting alone. There are so many stories I’ve heard of men who, in the beginning, pretended to love women, gain their trust, even get them pregnant in a few instances and then, started to treat them like dirt. Some women built their entire lives around these worthless men, only to end up mentally destroyed and physically hurt, in some cases. There are those who are married but pretend to be single and have the world of excuses as to why they’re ‘always busy’. Uh huh. Shameless. Another blog will be dedicated to you special individuals. Why can’t people be straightforward (men and women) and give the other person a real choice? Steupes…

On the other side of the spectrum, we’ve got the leeches nowadays who want sugar mommies to take care of them. Call me old fashioned, but a REAL MAN takes care of his woman. If madam wants to work and contribute financially, that’s all well and good. Money is money either way. But don’t tell me that as a hard back man, you expect to sit your behind at home, grinning to your friends that “wifey holds me down”. HELLLLL NO. If wifey, of her own volition chooses to keep a house-man, that’s a different story. I’m traditional. The man is head of the household–not head of me–but head of the home. If he’s contributing financially and keeping you comfy and paying bills, then the least you could do is be faithful, keep the house clean, cook brother man’s meals on time and don’t be a miserable nag. (Another post will deal with wotless women…yea…you guys know the type.)

In the last category, we’ve just got the suave fools who don’t even bother to hide their superiority complexes. They will have a good woman, and do everything in their power to belittle and hurt her, in public and behind closed doors. At first, they pretend to be so interested in you and your life. They charm you into thinking hey, my Knight has arrived! Little by little though, the facade falls off and as soon as they realize they’ve got you–BAM–the abuse begins. You all are pitiful.

Wolves in sheep’s clothing I tell you! They are everywhere and sometimes, you won’t have to look too hard to see their fangs poking out from under the fluff. The important thing is that after all these years, I have finally come home to me and I am quite comfortable at last, in my own skin. I have finally learned to love myself. One more thing, in case you ladies are just feeling disillusioned after reading this: There ARE good men out there, fabulous ones in fact. No matter how much you’ve been hurt, when you meet the right one, he’ll envelope you in warmth, love and a real sense of security. Someone who will, for once in your life, make the effort to show affection and treat you like his Queen. Keep the spark of hope alive for better days are coming 🙂

Heart in Chains

It was love she lived for
And love that ultimately took her life.
Everyone sees her as independent, confident, beautiful and bold.
She feels nothing more than insecurity, fear and longing.

For years you have been her love, her guy, her world.
A world that has now caved in.
Forgetting you hasn’t worked, erasing your memory is useless
And hating you is impossible…..So…now what?

To have and to hold will never happen,
For sickness and in health just an idea
And as for “till death do us part”…hmm…viable
Since death is always an option.
Others will come your way.

You’ll give them your time, energy, affection and
Everything I’ve spent nights crying and wishing you’d give me.
You didn’t think we would work
But did you ever really give us a chance?

I’d give up everything to have that with you but…
Too little, too late.
I’ve driven to the coast and before I sink into the ebony waters,
I’ll blow you a kiss for the very last time.

You had my heart once but knew deep down it was always yours for keeps.
Tonight after i’m gone will you breathe a sigh of relief
That your burden has finally disappeared?
Or, will you shudder thinking i’ll suddenly reappear?

It was the only way my love,
So here’s to you: my wet kisses from the deep.
One of these nights when you’re all alone,
Look for me at the bewitching hour for there I’ll be…

I’m coming back to you baby.
And this time, there’ll be no regret, no goodbyes, no doubt in your mind.
Don’t worry about not being able to forget me
You’ll be mine forever.

(c) 2017, Donna Philip All rights reserved

Final Farewell

Someone please kill me now before he does.
For years, I have had to mend the fragile pieces of my heart
And with one verbal blow,
He shatters me once again.
All that was good has been taken. Innocence, happiness and hope have been crudely washed away by the thousands of tears he has caused to run forth from my eyes. Blinded eyes, that once tried to see the good in a man, who preferred to dwell in the dark recesses of his mind.
My smile use to light up the faces of thousands,
Now, it’s plastered on,
Nearly robotic, it will react in kind as expected from the masses.
I have become a puppet,
For the one who pulled the strings to my heart have cut them loose
And with that, ripped the rest of my being to shreds.
I will continue to act
The world is a playground and in my last few scenes I will continue to entertain.
That’s what I was born to do…not so?
Everyone sees a bright aura around me and yet they can’t see it rapidly dimming on the inside.
I asked for nothing but your love.
In fact, I was only too happy to accept the scraps of attention thrown to me,
In your own time, when it suited you.
My heart can barely beat as the once vibrant red gush,
Has turned black and bitter with stagnant pain.
An ebb that will end in due time.
I deserve it.
For he who thinks that doing good will get you good,
Being sweet and kind will make happy your heart,
Is living in an already crumbling dungeon of delusion.
Let the spark of retribution dwell on in your dark soul.
Let the words of the worthless echo on in your mind.
For they are the only echelons you rather hear.
My loving words always fell into an abyss of no return.
No more you and me.
No more being a statistic of your whims.
One like me you shall never, however, ever find again.
Remember that, when you wish someday to return.
I will be long flying above the clouds,
In the company of those who gave unselfish love.
With that thought, I bide my time.
(c) Copyright Donna Philip 2017. All rights reserved.

 

Acquittal

Today my light will be extinguished…but my memory will live on. You will question yourself forever as to why you simply let me go. Right now I ask myself why wasn’t I ever enough for you? A simple soul, I required nothing but your love. Money, estate and fame could never warm my heart the way you did…at least in my mind.
My poor, delusional mind. That I could have actually thought I was capable of being loved, was such a mistake.Me? Special? ….’So amazing’ you once said. Such lies.
When others demanded your time you gave it freely. When they took advantage, you did not mind. When they slandered me, you willingly accepted it without question. And yet…you are the man I chose to love. They say fools are happy, but sadly I am not.
Today, I will awaken from my dying dream. I will release you from the mental bonds with which I had you entwined. You are free to be with whomever you choose. Not that she will bring you any peace…nor will I ever again. For in the wretched flame of desire, I see only your reflection. Only a man I had craved and prayed for everyday…for nothing.
I have deserved the best but got very little. Not barely enough to comfort me when I cried into my pillow for you. Not even close enough to make me feel wanted. You always lured me in, just to toss me back out without warning.
Be gone then. Since you seem to know so much about what’s good for my life, go on. I’ll stand here with the bitter truth obliterating what’s left of my esteem. Tearing at the shattered heart that is broken beyond repair. Cementing the fact that the ones who love truest, are destined to die from heartbreak over and over again. I have brought so much happiness to others, yet I await my own.
They say God is love, so perhaps it is time to meet my Maker and finally have the one thing I have searched for all my life.
The girl you knew is gone…There is nothing left for you to damage.
(c) 2017, Donna Philip, All rights reserved

Why I don’t care

I was brought up to care. To care about what people thought of me. To care about the feelings of others. To care about my appearance and the facade I portrayed to the world. When something is drilled into your mind that much, it becomes all you know. No one taught me to value the inner me and to pay attention to my own wants and needs. After all, if i’m good to others, they’ll be good to me…right? Ha! Hardy… har.. har!

34 years later, I’ve learnt not to give a hoot, a rat’s behind, a farthing…I’ve learnt not to give a damn. It’s true what they say about not being able to please all the people all of the time. But here’s what: Why is it that you should even care that much about PLEASING anyone? I’m not saying go out there and be the baddest bitch that you can. I’m also not saying that you should walk over people and take their feelings for granted. What I am saying is that you should please YOURSELF first. Being selfish is not a bad thing and certainly not in this wretched world where it’s all man for himself.

Too often we spend our entire lives sitting  on the damn fence. You don’t want to offend this one, you’re scared of saying something untoward about that one and why?…Because they won’t like you?! WHO BLOODY CARES? At this point in my life, I am civil to most. I respect everyone’s opinions, religion, gender (because it’s mixed up these days), and way of life in general. I treasure and appreciate the very, very few people in my life who contribute to my happiness. I am indifferent to many and as for hate…hmm…for me to detest your soul, you must have REALLY F@#ked up. Unfortunately, I can count those miserable individuals on less than one hand. Don’t worry though, they are pushed way back into the recesses of my mind. I don’t dwell on them. They never deserved my time anyway.

If I love you, you have ALL of me and everything that I represent. I will stop at nothing to avenge you and I’ll do everything in my power to color your life beautiful and happy. If I merely dislike you, i’ll stay out of your way and you better have enough sense to stay out of mine. Again, if I hate you, YOU’LL KNOW…TRUST ME. I’m not a fence sitter. I pick sides and I don’t care who agrees with my choice or not. I don’t believe in being a hypocrite. How does that benefit anyone?

I’m true to me and you should follow suit. How many times have you jumped over bridges for people who didn’t even step over a puddle for you? Many times i’m sure.  I’m also sure the goody goody universal creatures will argue that I “shouldn’t hate” and I “should be kind to everyone, regardless of how they treated me” and that “karma will take care of them”. Uh huh…sure. Don’t get me wrong. I love karma. It’s real and it will bite you in the ass, if that’s what you deserve. But I also don’t see the point in pretending. If I don’t like you, get over it. You won’t die. How many people have I given my time, effort, love and devotion to, who just didn’t give a damn about me? Ummm….SEVERAL! I don’t forgive and forget. If you’re big enough to knowingly hurt me, then you should be large enough to deal with the consequences, whatever they may be.

I am a darling, fun to be with, funny, witty and charming. If you’re good to me, you’ll get the same in return. Mind you, I have a short fuse and don’t tolerate bullsh!t. I will call you out on it. No, I wasn’t always like this. I was the sweet, lovable pushover, raised to turn the other cheek and treat my enemies like kings…..SCREW THAT! I am NOT my mother. No longer will I bend to other’s whims because I’m scared of ‘what people will think’. No longer will I cower because I was raised to think that certain people are better than me. People will be treated as they deserve to be. Zero pretensions!

Life is too short to worry about what others think. By all means, help out whenever you can and be kind but DON’T be taken advantage of. These days, people will take and take until you have no more to give and then…they’ll leave you without so much as a second thought. It’s a different time we’re living in. Do something nice for yourself every day. Take a drive, cook a meal, wear that ridiculous outfit that no one likes but you. You are a unique being, placed on this earth for a specific purpose and for a limited time. Be an original, not a carbon copy of anyone else. Mind your business. Take naps. Treat yourself, but don’t squander your money. Beware of the leeches, the users, the sponges–those whose sole purpose is to criticize and suck the living daylights out of you. Live your life on your own terms and of course, Pray, pray, PRAY. There are invisible beings all around us just waiting to be let in. But whether you encourage the darkness or embrace the light, is an entirely different story and left for another day. I’ve been to both worlds. Wouldn’t you like to hear what transpired? Maybe I care…but maybe, just maybe, I…