This is a topic that has touched every single one of you and will continue to touch lives around the world. As long as there is life, there will exist, death. Whether we have been crushed by the death of a friend, a relative, a celebrity or even thought about killing ourselves, death is inevitable. The Grim Reaper will come for us eventually, but how soon, no one knows for sure.

People kill themselves for a number of reasons: financial stress, broken hearts, loneliness, low self esteem, peer pressure, sickness, chronic depression, abuse, drugs and more. Not all sufferers seek help and it’s not because they’re stupid. Some simply don’t know how to reach out to others. Others fear being victimized and/or ridiculed for having a problem. Then we’ve got those who don’t want to burden anyone, so they keep their emotions bottled up. Human are strange beings. It’s the easiest thing to say “I’m here for you,” but are you really? When that person actually needs help do you make time to listen, or do you find an excuse not to because you have nothing to gain? Do we check in on our friends, family or co-workers just to see how they are? Many do not. You know how to find them when you need them, but when the tables are turned, you disappear.

In this age of technology, there are actual websites which explain, in great detail, how to kill yourself! Imagine that! They list the tools you need, how long it would take before you die and how much pain you should expect to feel. Yes…I kid you not. Many souls are already lost and take great pleasure in luring others into their darkness. Many religions strongly denounce suicide, describing it as the “absolute worst thing” anyone can do. It’s said that taking your own life damns you to hell with no possibility of redemption. Question: Do you think that people contemplating suicide are really all that concerned about their soul? Not much. They’re more likely wondering how to get out of the mess they’re in. For those with children, they may feel that they’re so messed up, that the children will be better off without them in the long run. Others feel so abandoned and disillusioned that they’re convinced that no one will miss them. Don’t forget the really angry suicide victims who killed themselves out of spite to hurt their family and friends. Vengeful spirits can never be at peace.

Whenever news of a suicide breaks, a plethora of varied reactions surface. “She was so selfish!” “He never cared about his family!” “Oh my God, how tragic,” “That poor girl, I wish I could have helped”, “Hmm, better he died, he only used to cause trouble,” “Why didn’t he speak to anyone?” “She was so stupid! She was so pretty and had a good man, she had no reason to do that!” “He didn’t know the Lord, the devil has him now”…and on and on. Even if you’ve personally known someone who killed him/herself, you still have NO idea what really went through that person’s mind in the last few moments leading up to his/her untimely departure. It’s sad to think how utterly alone suicide victims felt. Trust me, you could be living with ten people and constantly be physically surrounded by others and still feel alone. It’s a state of mind that sneakily invades your entire being. Don’t you think the lost ones considered their options? I’m sure many of them did and still saw no way out. To kill yourself is no easy task. The act itself takes much less effort, than the time they put into thinking about doing it in the first place. I often wonder how many of them, in their dying minutes/seconds, regretted their action. Would time have healed?

I have never judged people for committing suicide. I have never thought of them as selfish or worthless beings? Why? Because I’ve been there. Right on the brink of doing the unthinkable, so I know what it feels like. For me, I felt the world would be better off without a burden like me. Less worries for my family. Just let me get rid of my useless self, because clearly, I served no purpose here. I have thought about death since childhood. In my case, I’ve always felt followed by a dark presence that kept trying to pull me away from my illuminated path and extinguish my light. Some days were better than others, when the urge wasn’t that strong. I can’t tell you how many times I went searching for the “most painless ways to kill yourself” online. I’ve lost count of the times I got on my knees and asked God to give my talents and gifts to my sister and others who surely needed them more than I did.

To the world at large, I am lucky, highly blessed and favoured and life is a bed of roses. Hmmm…if only you knew how I struggled with my own demons. Did I have anyone to reach out to. Of course, lots! As a public figure, I know scores of people and many more know me. Was I comfortable expressing my pain to any of them though? Nope, sorry. I’ve never been one to share my pain with anyone. I’ve kept things bottled up because I, too, was scared of being judged. How could anyone who seems to have it all, be depressed? Right?

No matter how attractive, wealthy, popular and happy people seem, you just NEVER know what’s behind their smile. My mattress could easily turn into a waterbed given the years of tears on it. I’m human too and my hurt crawls in from a different place. The slightest things bothered me. The simplest criticism would throw me into a pitiful slump for weeks. It’s tiring living with so many voices in your head tugging you in various directions, most of them, down the wrong path. So after all of that, why am I still around? It might sound cliche but I took my problems to the Lord in prayer. Simple.

If it’s one thing I will be eternally grateful to my parents for, is teaching me how to pray. It is the sole reason I have survived and I’m still going strong. It hasn’t been easy but my faith has saved me numerous times. I’ve read the Bible, I’ve said Psalms and found meaning in them. I’ve even been in the middle of crying during my prayers, when lyrics from a Hymn would pop into my head and suddenly, I just knew things would be ok. Some people think their problems are just too big for prayer to handle. Wrong! There is nothing that God can’t save you from. I’m not a religious fanatic. I’m no Bible thumper, but I consider myself spiritual. I believe in guardian angels, I believe that each of us is surrounded by different spirits everyday, everywhere, all the time. We are never alone. I find myself driving and talking to God, in the shower, walking along the pavement, even now as I’m typing, I feel guided by a higher being. I do have a purpose and no one is going to get in the way. Trust me, I have changed and grown so much as a person that even if I died now, I’d return to complete what I set out to do. Have faith in something bigger than you.

After all these years of emotional turmoil, I am finally in a good place. No, a GREAT place. Physically, spiritually and emotionally. I never knew what strength I had until I was forced to find and use it. Many of you don’t know the power you harbour within. Untapped strength just waiting to burst forth and change your mindset and life. My talents are many and one of the most profound is that of the written word. I gift you with these stories to find meaning, truth and inspiration within yourselves.

It matters not what people think about you. What do you think of yourself? What kind of a person are you and where are you headed? You may not think you have a purpose, but your mere existence has proved you wrong. Is there ever a good reason to kill yourself? No. But as I said before, those experiencing the throes of depression don’t realize that. A person’s education level has nothing to do with the decision to die. It’s a desperate attempt to end pain. Should you find yourself in such a situation, there are two things to do: 1)Seek the Lord and/or 2)distract yourself. Depending on your own situation, one may be easier than the other, but there are so many success stories where people rose from nothing to achieve everything they ever dreamed of. Why can’t you? The only thing stopping you is not your spouse, not your children, not your age…It’s You! You have the power to change your situation. You are not weak or helpless so take a stand.

The next time you hear of, or are affected by a suicide, don’t judge. For friends and family, you’ll obviously be pained by thoughts of “what if”, “what could I have done?” Some believe that suicide is simply part of people’s destiny and because I’m not God, I can’t confirm or deny. I don’t believe they are lost forever though. Up to now, I still pray for the souls of the dead, those I knew and those I didn’t. I say a special prayer for those just minutes away from, or, in the process of killing themselves. For those lost in limbo, unable to get out, I pray they will be rescued. The dead can’t pray for themselves and that’s why you should use every opportunity on this earth to pray for yourself and others, to do good and spread joy where possible. Prayer changes everything and miracles happen every single day. Develop a relationship with God and channel your beautiful light in the right direction. I have found mine and tonight, I’ll light one for you too 😉

Wolves in Sheep’s Clothing

I once asked my Dad, “If you could have one super power, what would it be?” To my surprise, he replied “I’d want to be able to read people’s minds”. “But Daddy” I said, quite flustered, “Wouldn’t you want to fly? Wouldn’t you like to shoot lightning bolts from your fingers and zap people?!” Mind you, I was about 7 or 8 years old and thought that his idea of a super power was, well, Boring!

Fast forward 26 years later and here I am wishing that I could read people’s minds too! Life is funny isn’t it? It might not be a flashy offering of oneself, but boy or boy, the amount of pain and suffering I could have saved myself if I had known what people’s true thoughts were upfront. From professional and platonic to romantic and intimate. No one is perfect, but by God, there are some vipers out there just waiting to chew you up and spit out your soul to the devil!

In the professional world, I’ve met older persons who I thought had my best interests at heart. These were supposed to be mentors, persons I looked up to and hoped to emulate one day. Sadly, all they saw was another pretty face who they believed they could take advantage of and believe me, they tried. I count my lucky stars up to today, that my parents raised me with morals and the good sense to know my worth.

I lost my father at 16 and for some reason, many people see a young girl without a dad as vulnerable, naive and easy prey. Fortunately, I stood my ground. It wasn’t easy being pressured, insulted and made to feel as if I was disposable. I can remember all the times I heard “There are many other young ladies out there who would DO ANYTHING to have your job”. By ‘ANYTHING’ just think of the despicable acts that would be demanded of them for just a few dollars and shabby treatment. Thank God I never gave in. Bigger and better things were in store for me and I conquered in so many ways.

My Aries nature has bestowed upon me a certain fire and the propensity to hate fiercely when really pushed to the brink. Mind you, I don’t hold grudges. Once I categorize where you stand in my life, or out of it, I act decisively. Time has helped. Now, if I decide to cut you off, you are DEAD to me. There’s no going back, there will be no forgiveness, you just simply cease to exist. I’m sure many of you have had similar experiences. They happen ALL the time. So many public figures here in T&T and around the world pretend to be these decent, upstanding individuals when in reality, they are the lowest class of scum! You don’t have to look too far for them. Some fathers, uncles and elders also think nothing of abusing those care they have been entrusted. Disgusting creatures. Karma always gets to them.

I’ve also encountered many fakers who called themselves ‘friends’. They are people who sought to associate with me to find out my business, so that they could twist the truth and run with it to every corner and eager ear. Others figured that because of my standing,  they could benefit somehow from knowing me so “we’ll keep close to her, even though we don’t really like her. She might be able to help us”. The User Bunch. You know the type. Smiling in your face and laughing at you behind your back. Pretending to care while they pick apart and criticize your life. Those experiences have also taught me a lot so today, I keep my circle extremely small. Unlike many people, I don’t go out to lunches or dinners or meet up with guys. If I do, it’s because you’re MY guy and we’re in a relationship. That’s just how I personally choose to live my life. I want no one crossing the line or creating problems for my personal relationships which I take VERY seriously. If you do see me out with friends, it’s one group ALL the time—-people whose intentions I don’t question whatsoever.

As for romantic relationships. Ha! What a joke. I could write a book on this topic! Man is a funny species, just like women I suppose. You can be the sweetest, kindest, most loving and giving woman to him and he’ll still prove what an a$$hole he can be, not because he’s not happy, but because he can. Many men seem to think their options are limitless. They can keep having fun and lying to women forever and still be a ‘Dan’. No morons, you’re idiots and trust me, you will get exactly what you deserve.

There are men who think their time is running out to reproduce and so, in desperation, they must land someone to have a child with. To that bunch, who would cruelly lure in the innocent and color their dreams with hope, only to shatter them mercilessly, you deserve to end up rotting alone. There are so many stories I’ve heard of men who, in the beginning, pretended to love women, gain their trust, even get them pregnant in a few instances and then, started to treat them like dirt. Some women built their entire lives around these worthless men, only to end up mentally destroyed and physically hurt, in some cases. There are those who are married but pretend to be single and have the world of excuses as to why they’re ‘always busy’. Uh huh. Shameless. Another blog will be dedicated to you special individuals. Why can’t people be straightforward (men and women) and give the other person a real choice? Steupes…

On the other side of the spectrum, we’ve got the leeches nowadays who want sugar mommies to take care of them. Call me old fashioned, but a REAL MAN takes care of his woman. If madam wants to work and contribute financially, that’s all well and good. Money is money either way. But don’t tell me that as a hard back man, you expect to sit your behind at home, grinning to your friends that “wifey holds me down”. HELLLLL NO. If wifey, of her own volition chooses to keep a house-man, that’s a different story. I’m traditional. The man is head of the household–not head of me–but head of the home. If he’s contributing financially and keeping you comfy and paying bills, then the least you could do is be faithful, keep the house clean, cook brother man’s meals on time and don’t be a miserable nag. (Another post will deal with wotless women…yea…you guys know the type.)

In the last category, we’ve just got the suave fools who don’t even bother to hide their superiority complexes. They will have a good woman, and do everything in their power to belittle and hurt her, in public and behind closed doors. At first, they pretend to be so interested in you and your life. They charm you into thinking hey, my Knight has arrived! Little by little though, the facade falls off and as soon as they realize they’ve got you–BAM–the abuse begins. You all are pitiful.

Wolves in sheep’s clothing I tell you! They are everywhere and sometimes, you won’t have to look too hard to see their fangs poking out from under the fluff. The important thing is that after all these years, I have finally come home to me and I am quite comfortable at last, in my own skin. I have finally learned to love myself. One more thing, in case you ladies are just feeling disillusioned after reading this: There ARE good men out there, fabulous ones in fact. No matter how much you’ve been hurt, when you meet the right one, he’ll envelope you in warmth, love and a real sense of security. Someone who will, for once in your life, make the effort to show affection and treat you like his Queen. Keep the spark of hope alive for better days are coming 🙂

Why I don’t care

I was brought up to care. To care about what people thought of me. To care about the feelings of others. To care about my appearance and the facade I portrayed to the world. When something is drilled into your mind that much, it becomes all you know. No one taught me to value the inner me and to pay attention to my own wants and needs. After all, if i’m good to others, they’ll be good to me…right? Ha! Hardy… har.. har!

34 years later, I’ve learnt not to give a hoot, a rat’s behind, a farthing…I’ve learnt not to give a damn. It’s true what they say about not being able to please all the people all of the time. But here’s what: Why is it that you should even care that much about PLEASING anyone? I’m not saying go out there and be the baddest bitch that you can. I’m also not saying that you should walk over people and take their feelings for granted. What I am saying is that you should please YOURSELF first. Being selfish is not a bad thing and certainly not in this wretched world where it’s all man for himself.

Too often we spend our entire lives sitting  on the damn fence. You don’t want to offend this one, you’re scared of saying something untoward about that one and why?…Because they won’t like you?! WHO BLOODY CARES? At this point in my life, I am civil to most. I respect everyone’s opinions, religion, gender (because it’s mixed up these days), and way of life in general. I treasure and appreciate the very, very few people in my life who contribute to my happiness. I am indifferent to many and as for hate…hmm…for me to detest your soul, you must have REALLY F@#ked up. Unfortunately, I can count those miserable individuals on less than one hand. Don’t worry though, they are pushed way back into the recesses of my mind. I don’t dwell on them. They never deserved my time anyway.

If I love you, you have ALL of me and everything that I represent. I will stop at nothing to avenge you and I’ll do everything in my power to color your life beautiful and happy. If I merely dislike you, i’ll stay out of your way and you better have enough sense to stay out of mine. Again, if I hate you, YOU’LL KNOW…TRUST ME. I’m not a fence sitter. I pick sides and I don’t care who agrees with my choice or not. I don’t believe in being a hypocrite. How does that benefit anyone?

I’m true to me and you should follow suit. How many times have you jumped over bridges for people who didn’t even step over a puddle for you? Many times i’m sure.  I’m also sure the goody goody universal creatures will argue that I “shouldn’t hate” and I “should be kind to everyone, regardless of how they treated me” and that “karma will take care of them”. Uh huh…sure. Don’t get me wrong. I love karma. It’s real and it will bite you in the ass, if that’s what you deserve. But I also don’t see the point in pretending. If I don’t like you, get over it. You won’t die. How many people have I given my time, effort, love and devotion to, who just didn’t give a damn about me? Ummm….SEVERAL! I don’t forgive and forget. If you’re big enough to knowingly hurt me, then you should be large enough to deal with the consequences, whatever they may be.

I am a darling, fun to be with, funny, witty and charming. If you’re good to me, you’ll get the same in return. Mind you, I have a short fuse and don’t tolerate bullsh!t. I will call you out on it. No, I wasn’t always like this. I was the sweet, lovable pushover, raised to turn the other cheek and treat my enemies like kings…..SCREW THAT! I am NOT my mother. No longer will I bend to other’s whims because I’m scared of ‘what people will think’. No longer will I cower because I was raised to think that certain people are better than me. People will be treated as they deserve to be. Zero pretensions!

Life is too short to worry about what others think. By all means, help out whenever you can and be kind but DON’T be taken advantage of. These days, people will take and take until you have no more to give and then…they’ll leave you without so much as a second thought. It’s a different time we’re living in. Do something nice for yourself every day. Take a drive, cook a meal, wear that ridiculous outfit that no one likes but you. You are a unique being, placed on this earth for a specific purpose and for a limited time. Be an original, not a carbon copy of anyone else. Mind your business. Take naps. Treat yourself, but don’t squander your money. Beware of the leeches, the users, the sponges–those whose sole purpose is to criticize and suck the living daylights out of you. Live your life on your own terms and of course, Pray, pray, PRAY. There are invisible beings all around us just waiting to be let in. But whether you encourage the darkness or embrace the light, is an entirely different story and left for another day. I’ve been to both worlds. Wouldn’t you like to hear what transpired? Maybe I care…but maybe, just maybe, I…