Winter’s icy chill is still warmer than my heart.

A numbing cold that drives fear into men

Alas, it’s too late for me to feel anything.

Misleading with your smile, arousing passion with your embrace,

You thought you had me fooled.

“This one is just temporary” you said, thrusting into my being.

You are used to having your way,

A sly, handsome Casanova,

Stealing kisses, but destroying dreams along your path.

Karma always comes full circle to those who ruthlessly punish the hopeful.

You say you see me, but you don’t.

You think you know me, but that’s wishful thinking.

You have no idea who you led to your bed that night.

No clue that a demon has attached itself to your psyche.

You see my darling, I always get what I want

And what I want is you.

I want your eyes to look at me, like I’m an oasis in your desert.

I want your lips to caress me, like I’m nourishment to your soul.

Your arms should hold me tight, as if you’re clinging to your dying breath.

You should desire me…your one and only reason for existing.

For now, I let you have your way, treating me like a toy on a shelf.

Dusting me off when it suits you, checking in rarely to make sure I’m still there…for you.

Little do you know that all it takes is a word,

A summoning from me to them and then to you

And then, I’ll pull your strings as you dance to my tune.

Forever a pawn in my dark, lonely universe.

It’s a good thing I don’t feel, otherwise, for you, I’d feel sorry,

But you swapped your chance for freedom, when you decided you were King.

You see, in Athena’s world, I rule alone.

I’m Queen of my own empire and I say who joins my army of fallen lovers.

So keep glancing my way darling,

Your eyes will be stuck soon.

The gates are slowly opening and the devils will lead the way.

Come hither to my beck and call.

Gaze at my Kingdom which will never be yours,

But feel free to make yourself at home.

In the mausoleum of my wretched mind, your marbled sarcophagus is ready.

I’ll keep you company in the fires of my hell.

Death, is only the beginning.


This is a topic that has touched every single one of you and will continue to touch lives around the world. As long as there is life, there will exist, death. Whether we have been crushed by the death of a friend, a relative, a celebrity or even thought about killing ourselves, death is inevitable. The Grim Reaper will come for us eventually, but how soon, no one knows for sure.

People kill themselves for a number of reasons: financial stress, broken hearts, loneliness, low self esteem, peer pressure, sickness, chronic depression, abuse, drugs and more. Not all sufferers seek help and it’s not because they’re stupid. Some simply don’t know how to reach out to others. Others fear being victimized and/or ridiculed for having a problem. Then we’ve got those who don’t want to burden anyone, so they keep their emotions bottled up. Human are strange beings. It’s the easiest thing to say “I’m here for you,” but are you really? When that person actually needs help do you make time to listen, or do you find an excuse not to because you have nothing to gain? Do we check in on our friends, family or co-workers just to see how they are? Many do not. You know how to find them when you need them, but when the tables are turned, you disappear.

In this age of technology, there are actual websites which explain, in great detail, how to kill yourself! Imagine that! They list the tools you need, how long it would take before you die and how much pain you should expect to feel. Yes…I kid you not. Many souls are already lost and take great pleasure in luring others into their darkness. Many religions strongly denounce suicide, describing it as the “absolute worst thing” anyone can do. It’s said that taking your own life damns you to hell with no possibility of redemption. Question: Do you think that people contemplating suicide are really all that concerned about their soul? Not much. They’re more likely wondering how to get out of the mess they’re in. For those with children, they may feel that they’re so messed up, that the children will be better off without them in the long run. Others feel so abandoned and disillusioned that they’re convinced that no one will miss them. Don’t forget the really angry suicide victims who killed themselves out of spite to hurt their family and friends. Vengeful spirits can never be at peace.

Whenever news of a suicide breaks, a plethora of varied reactions surface. “She was so selfish!” “He never cared about his family!” “Oh my God, how tragic,” “That poor girl, I wish I could have helped”, “Hmm, better he died, he only used to cause trouble,” “Why didn’t he speak to anyone?” “She was so stupid! She was so pretty and had a good man, she had no reason to do that!” “He didn’t know the Lord, the devil has him now”…and on and on. Even if you’ve personally known someone who killed him/herself, you still have NO idea what really went through that person’s mind in the last few moments leading up to his/her untimely departure. It’s sad to think how utterly alone suicide victims felt. Trust me, you could be living with ten people and constantly be physically surrounded by others and still feel alone. It’s a state of mind that sneakily invades your entire being. Don’t you think the lost ones considered their options? I’m sure many of them did and still saw no way out. To kill yourself is no easy task. The act itself takes much less effort, than the time they put into thinking about doing it in the first place. I often wonder how many of them, in their dying minutes/seconds, regretted their action. Would time have healed?

I have never judged people for committing suicide. I have never thought of them as selfish or worthless beings? Why? Because I’ve been there. Right on the brink of doing the unthinkable, so I know what it feels like. For me, I felt the world would be better off without a burden like me. Less worries for my family. Just let me get rid of my useless self, because clearly, I served no purpose here. I have thought about death since childhood. In my case, I’ve always felt followed by a dark presence that kept trying to pull me away from my illuminated path and extinguish my light. Some days were better than others, when the urge wasn’t that strong. I can’t tell you how many times I went searching for the “most painless ways to kill yourself” online. I’ve lost count of the times I got on my knees and asked God to give my talents and gifts to my sister and others who surely needed them more than I did.

To the world at large, I am lucky, highly blessed and favoured and life is a bed of roses. Hmmm…if only you knew how I struggled with my own demons. Did I have anyone to reach out to. Of course, lots! As a public figure, I know scores of people and many more know me. Was I comfortable expressing my pain to any of them though? Nope, sorry. I’ve never been one to share my pain with anyone. I’ve kept things bottled up because I, too, was scared of being judged. How could anyone who seems to have it all, be depressed? Right?

No matter how attractive, wealthy, popular and happy people seem, you just NEVER know what’s behind their smile. My mattress could easily turn into a waterbed given the years of tears on it. I’m human too and my hurt crawls in from a different place. The slightest things bothered me. The simplest criticism would throw me into a pitiful slump for weeks. It’s tiring living with so many voices in your head tugging you in various directions, most of them, down the wrong path. So after all of that, why am I still around? It might sound cliche but I took my problems to the Lord in prayer. Simple.

If it’s one thing I will be eternally grateful to my parents for, is teaching me how to pray. It is the sole reason I have survived and I’m still going strong. It hasn’t been easy but my faith has saved me numerous times. I’ve read the Bible, I’ve said Psalms and found meaning in them. I’ve even been in the middle of crying during my prayers, when lyrics from a Hymn would pop into my head and suddenly, I just knew things would be ok. Some people think their problems are just too big for prayer to handle. Wrong! There is nothing that God can’t save you from. I’m not a religious fanatic. I’m no Bible thumper, but I consider myself spiritual. I believe in guardian angels, I believe that each of us is surrounded by different spirits everyday, everywhere, all the time. We are never alone. I find myself driving and talking to God, in the shower, walking along the pavement, even now as I’m typing, I feel guided by a higher being. I do have a purpose and no one is going to get in the way. Trust me, I have changed and grown so much as a person that even if I died now, I’d return to complete what I set out to do. Have faith in something bigger than you.

After all these years of emotional turmoil, I am finally in a good place. No, a GREAT place. Physically, spiritually and emotionally. I never knew what strength I had until I was forced to find and use it. Many of you don’t know the power you harbour within. Untapped strength just waiting to burst forth and change your mindset and life. My talents are many and one of the most profound is that of the written word. I gift you with these stories to find meaning, truth and inspiration within yourselves.

It matters not what people think about you. What do you think of yourself? What kind of a person are you and where are you headed? You may not think you have a purpose, but your mere existence has proved you wrong. Is there ever a good reason to kill yourself? No. But as I said before, those experiencing the throes of depression don’t realize that. A person’s education level has nothing to do with the decision to die. It’s a desperate attempt to end pain. Should you find yourself in such a situation, there are two things to do: 1)Seek the Lord and/or 2)distract yourself. Depending on your own situation, one may be easier than the other, but there are so many success stories where people rose from nothing to achieve everything they ever dreamed of. Why can’t you? The only thing stopping you is not your spouse, not your children, not your age…It’s You! You have the power to change your situation. You are not weak or helpless so take a stand.

The next time you hear of, or are affected by a suicide, don’t judge. For friends and family, you’ll obviously be pained by thoughts of “what if”, “what could I have done?” Some believe that suicide is simply part of people’s destiny and because I’m not God, I can’t confirm or deny. I don’t believe they are lost forever though. Up to now, I still pray for the souls of the dead, those I knew and those I didn’t. I say a special prayer for those just minutes away from, or, in the process of killing themselves. For those lost in limbo, unable to get out, I pray they will be rescued. The dead can’t pray for themselves and that’s why you should use every opportunity on this earth to pray for yourself and others, to do good and spread joy where possible. Prayer changes everything and miracles happen every single day. Develop a relationship with God and channel your beautiful light in the right direction. I have found mine and tonight, I’ll light one for you too 😉