Suicide

This is a topic that has touched every single one of you and will continue to touch lives around the world. As long as there is life, there will exist, death. Whether we have been crushed by the death of a friend, a relative, a celebrity or even thought about killing ourselves, death is inevitable. The Grim Reaper will come for us eventually, but how soon, no one knows for sure.

People kill themselves for a number of reasons: financial stress, broken hearts, loneliness, low self esteem, peer pressure, sickness, chronic depression, abuse, drugs and more. Not all sufferers seek help and it’s not because they’re stupid. Some simply don’t know how to reach out to others. Others fear being victimized and/or ridiculed for having a problem. Then we’ve got those who don’t want to burden anyone, so they keep their emotions bottled up. Human are strange beings. It’s the easiest thing to say “I’m here for you,” but are you really? When that person actually needs help do you make time to listen, or do you find an excuse not to because you have nothing to gain? Do we check in on our friends, family or co-workers just to see how they are? Many do not. You know how to find them when you need them, but when the tables are turned, you disappear.

In this age of technology, there are actual websites which explain, in great detail, how to kill yourself! Imagine that! They list the tools you need, how long it would take before you die and how much pain you should expect to feel. Yes…I kid you not. Many souls are already lost and take great pleasure in luring others into their darkness. Many religions strongly denounce suicide, describing it as the “absolute worst thing” anyone can do. It’s said that taking your own life damns you to hell with no possibility of redemption. Question: Do you think that people contemplating suicide are really all that concerned about their soul? Not much. They’re more likely wondering how to get out of the mess they’re in. For those with children, they may feel that they’re so messed up, that the children will be better off without them in the long run. Others feel so abandoned and disillusioned that they’re convinced that no one will miss them. Don’t forget the really angry suicide victims who killed themselves out of spite to hurt their family and friends. Vengeful spirits can never be at peace.

Whenever news of a suicide breaks, a plethora of varied reactions surface. “She was so selfish!” “He never cared about his family!” “Oh my God, how tragic,” “That poor girl, I wish I could have helped”, “Hmm, better he died, he only used to cause trouble,” “Why didn’t he speak to anyone?” “She was so stupid! She was so pretty and had a good man, she had no reason to do that!” “He didn’t know the Lord, the devil has him now”…and on and on. Even if you’ve personally known someone who killed him/herself, you still have NO idea what really went through that person’s mind in the last few moments leading up to his/her untimely departure. It’s sad to think how utterly alone suicide victims felt. Trust me, you could be living with ten people and constantly be physically surrounded by others and still feel alone. It’s a state of mind that sneakily invades your entire being. Don’t you think the lost ones considered their options? I’m sure many of them did and still saw no way out. To kill yourself is no easy task. The act itself takes much less effort, than the time they put into thinking about doing it in the first place. I often wonder how many of them, in their dying minutes/seconds, regretted their action. Would time have healed?

I have never judged people for committing suicide. I have never thought of them as selfish or worthless beings? Why? Because I’ve been there. Right on the brink of doing the unthinkable, so I know what it feels like. For me, I felt the world would be better off without a burden like me. Less worries for my family. Just let me get rid of my useless self, because clearly, I served no purpose here. I have thought about death since childhood. In my case, I’ve always felt followed by a dark presence that kept trying to pull me away from my illuminated path and extinguish my light. Some days were better than others, when the urge wasn’t that strong. I can’t tell you how many times I went searching for the “most painless ways to kill yourself” online. I’ve lost count of the times I got on my knees and asked God to give my talents and gifts to my sister and others who surely needed them more than I did.

To the world at large, I am lucky, highly blessed and favoured and life is a bed of roses. Hmmm…if only you knew how I struggled with my own demons. Did I have anyone to reach out to. Of course, lots! As a public figure, I know scores of people and many more know me. Was I comfortable expressing my pain to any of them though? Nope, sorry. I’ve never been one to share my pain with anyone. I’ve kept things bottled up because I, too, was scared of being judged. How could anyone who seems to have it all, be depressed? Right?

No matter how attractive, wealthy, popular and happy people seem, you just NEVER know what’s behind their smile. My mattress could easily turn into a waterbed given the years of tears on it. I’m human too and my hurt crawls in from a different place. The slightest things bothered me. The simplest criticism would throw me into a pitiful slump for weeks. It’s tiring living with so many voices in your head tugging you in various directions, most of them, down the wrong path. So after all of that, why am I still around? It might sound cliche but I took my problems to the Lord in prayer. Simple.

If it’s one thing I will be eternally grateful to my parents for, is teaching me how to pray. It is the sole reason I have survived and I’m still going strong. It hasn’t been easy but my faith has saved me numerous times. I’ve read the Bible, I’ve said Psalms and found meaning in them. I’ve even been in the middle of crying during my prayers, when lyrics from a Hymn would pop into my head and suddenly, I just knew things would be ok. Some people think their problems are just too big for prayer to handle. Wrong! There is nothing that God can’t save you from. I’m not a religious fanatic. I’m no Bible thumper, but I consider myself spiritual. I believe in guardian angels, I believe that each of us is surrounded by different spirits everyday, everywhere, all the time. We are never alone. I find myself driving and talking to God, in the shower, walking along the pavement, even now as I’m typing, I feel guided by a higher being. I do have a purpose and no one is going to get in the way. Trust me, I have changed and grown so much as a person that even if I died now, I’d return to complete what I set out to do. Have faith in something bigger than you.

After all these years of emotional turmoil, I am finally in a good place. No, a GREAT place. Physically, spiritually and emotionally. I never knew what strength I had until I was forced to find and use it. Many of you don’t know the power you harbour within. Untapped strength just waiting to burst forth and change your mindset and life. My talents are many and one of the most profound is that of the written word. I gift you with these stories to find meaning, truth and inspiration within yourselves.

It matters not what people think about you. What do you think of yourself? What kind of a person are you and where are you headed? You may not think you have a purpose, but your mere existence has proved you wrong. Is there ever a good reason to kill yourself? No. But as I said before, those experiencing the throes of depression don’t realize that. A person’s education level has nothing to do with the decision to die. It’s a desperate attempt to end pain. Should you find yourself in such a situation, there are two things to do: 1)Seek the Lord and/or 2)distract yourself. Depending on your own situation, one may be easier than the other, but there are so many success stories where people rose from nothing to achieve everything they ever dreamed of. Why can’t you? The only thing stopping you is not your spouse, not your children, not your age…It’s You! You have the power to change your situation. You are not weak or helpless so take a stand.

The next time you hear of, or are affected by a suicide, don’t judge. For friends and family, you’ll obviously be pained by thoughts of “what if”, “what could I have done?” Some believe that suicide is simply part of people’s destiny and because I’m not God, I can’t confirm or deny. I don’t believe they are lost forever though. Up to now, I still pray for the souls of the dead, those I knew and those I didn’t. I say a special prayer for those just minutes away from, or, in the process of killing themselves. For those lost in limbo, unable to get out, I pray they will be rescued. The dead can’t pray for themselves and that’s why you should use every opportunity on this earth to pray for yourself and others, to do good and spread joy where possible. Prayer changes everything and miracles happen every single day. Develop a relationship with God and channel your beautiful light in the right direction. I have found mine and tonight, I’ll light one for you too 😉

Misguided

Beware of how you treat me,
Today may be my last day.
Your unhappy, little secret
May soon be going away.

She’s done everything she can to please you
Shows you her love and so much more.
But your list of concerns have no space for her,
And it hurts her to the core.

She knows that you do not love her.
Everything else in your life comes first.
But she happily accepts the scraps of your affection,
To fulfil an undying, emotional thirst.

One day soon she’ll be gone and you’ll move on.
At least, that’s what you believe.
But you’re just a pawn in her one man game,
Destined to find from her, no reprieve.

For you still don’t realize I’m encrypted in your heart,
And will forever have your body and mind.
Your thoughts are mine, your kisses just for me.
And you thought the power was thine…

It’s time you stopped fighting my love,
And accept that your destiny is with me.
I will never release you to another.
With this dark goddess, you will never be free.

Maybe I’m being selfish you say,
And should just give you back your free will?
But you too have toyed with my emotions.
Such acts gave you a powerful thrill.

Now you’re mine and there’s no escape.
I will love you till the end of time.
A pact in blood carved into the realms of infinite fire.
Your end is just our beginning.

(c) 2017, Donna Philip, All rights reserved.

Heart in Chains

It was love she lived for
And love that ultimately took her life.
Everyone sees her as independent, confident, beautiful and bold.
She feels nothing more than insecurity, fear and longing.

For years you have been her love, her guy, her world.
A world that has now caved in.
Forgetting you hasn’t worked, erasing your memory is useless
And hating you is impossible…..So…now what?

To have and to hold will never happen,
For sickness and in health just an idea
And as for “till death do us part”…hmm…viable
Since death is always an option.
Others will come your way.

You’ll give them your time, energy, affection and
Everything I’ve spent nights crying and wishing you’d give me.
You didn’t think we would work
But did you ever really give us a chance?

I’d give up everything to have that with you but…
Too little, too late.
I’ve driven to the coast and before I sink into the ebony waters,
I’ll blow you a kiss for the very last time.

You had my heart once but knew deep down it was always yours for keeps.
Tonight after i’m gone will you breathe a sigh of relief
That your burden has finally disappeared?
Or, will you shudder thinking i’ll suddenly reappear?

It was the only way my love,
So here’s to you: my wet kisses from the deep.
One of these nights when you’re all alone,
Look for me at the bewitching hour for there I’ll be…

I’m coming back to you baby.
And this time, there’ll be no regret, no goodbyes, no doubt in your mind.
Don’t worry about not being able to forget me
You’ll be mine forever.

(c) 2017, Donna Philip All rights reserved

Final Farewell

Someone please kill me now before he does.
For years, I have had to mend the fragile pieces of my heart
And with one verbal blow,
He shatters me once again.
All that was good has been taken. Innocence, happiness and hope have been crudely washed away by the thousands of tears he has caused to run forth from my eyes. Blinded eyes, that once tried to see the good in a man, who preferred to dwell in the dark recesses of his mind.
My smile use to light up the faces of thousands,
Now, it’s plastered on,
Nearly robotic, it will react in kind as expected from the masses.
I have become a puppet,
For the one who pulled the strings to my heart have cut them loose
And with that, ripped the rest of my being to shreds.
I will continue to act
The world is a playground and in my last few scenes I will continue to entertain.
That’s what I was born to do…not so?
Everyone sees a bright aura around me and yet they can’t see it rapidly dimming on the inside.
I asked for nothing but your love.
In fact, I was only too happy to accept the scraps of attention thrown to me,
In your own time, when it suited you.
My heart can barely beat as the once vibrant red gush,
Has turned black and bitter with stagnant pain.
An ebb that will end in due time.
I deserve it.
For he who thinks that doing good will get you good,
Being sweet and kind will make happy your heart,
Is living in an already crumbling dungeon of delusion.
Let the spark of retribution dwell on in your dark soul.
Let the words of the worthless echo on in your mind.
For they are the only echelons you rather hear.
My loving words always fell into an abyss of no return.
No more you and me.
No more being a statistic of your whims.
One like me you shall never, however, ever find again.
Remember that, when you wish someday to return.
I will be long flying above the clouds,
In the company of those who gave unselfish love.
With that thought, I bide my time.
(c) Copyright Donna Philip 2017. All rights reserved.